dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i believe in u and ur pee
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
