woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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