I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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