were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
