Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
