Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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