I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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