I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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