Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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