Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
