I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just forgot I was standing up.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
