i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
