I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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