No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sext me about skeletons
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
