We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
