Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
