You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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