Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
