Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
There r osticjed everywhere
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is Oprah even human
I party with great urgency now.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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