My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize