I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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