This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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