he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
