need another drink. this is the easiest way
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
