i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
