They should really pass out barf bags in church
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
