I just made out with a guy for $7.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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