I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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