How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
