Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
