Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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