When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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