Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
