i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
