i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
