she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
