In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
