I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
