saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
