Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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