I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
