Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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