Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
