I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
