just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
