Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
