THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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