If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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