Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
