Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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