Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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