please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
