Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
