Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize