Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
