the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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