I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
