I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
