It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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