You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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