that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
