this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
