You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
